12 weeks today! And big decisions to make…

So today I am 12 weeks! Hurrah!

I still don’t feel pregnant, apart from the aches and pain of my hips and sore nipples! The boob tenderness has gone completely. I have finally had my official hospital scan date, 23rd October. I am excited, but also my anxiety and irrational side of me keeps freaking out, as I am worried that I might have had a missed miscarriage. I have absolutely no reason to think this, other than my lack of symptoms. Beginning to wonder if I am ever going to give myself a break? Probably not!

I went to my weekly therapy session at the Eating Disorder Clinic on Tuesday and I literally cried for the whole session. Since starting the therapy, I’ve actually put on weight – even though my binge eating has probably slowed a little, my brain is making me overeat to compensate. With being pregnant as well, it is really, really hard. I am so conscious that I don’t want my BMI to increase in pregnancy. But the stress of worrying about it, is making me eat more. I feel like it’s been one step forward, two steps back the whole way. I know it will be hard – I’ve had this eating disorder for over 15 years – but with my pregnancy hormones and with winter approaching and my Seasonal Affective Disorder about to kick in, I just worry it is too much. What upsets me I want to be in control of my eating more than anything – I worry about my health, my self-esteem is at an all time low and I don’t want to hate what I see in the mirror anymore. But I continue to sabotage myself. I won’t keep my food diary, but mainly that is because I don’t want want to admit to myself I have failed. It is making me completely miserable.

I spoke to my therapist, T, and she was so lovely. She said I have two choices – I can either go for a no-nonsense, take-the-bull-by-the-horns approach and try and tackle it now, or I can put the therapy on hold until after the baby is born and start then. I am leaning towards the later – at the minute, I also have to concentrate on work, I am out constantly and surrounded by food temptation. My therapist actually suggested I get signed off work so I can focus on nothing but my treatment, but it isn’t really an option right now.

If I postpone it though, I will feel like a failure, even though T says I wouldn’t be. But I think for my own sanity I might have too. I have another appointment with her on the Tuesday and I will let her know then.

I had an appointment with my midwife on Tuesday as they messed up on of my blood samples the first time round. I found out I am blood group AB negative – apparently it’s really rare and gives me a bigger incentive to get over my fear of needles and give blood once I’ve given birth! I also explained my stuff with the therapist as well – she is going to make sure I get a referral to the pregnancy psych team so I they can monitor me as well, which I think is a good thing.

Stinking cold….and my scan picture!

So I am feeling very sorry for myself. I have been off work for the last couple of days, not because I have had morning sickness, but I have got a terrible cold! I have a crap immune system at the best of times, but not being able to take anything other than paracetamol has been crappy. Night Nurse, how I long for you and some decongestant! But, as I said, I avoided morning sickness so can’t moan!

I went for another scan last week and my cyst has started to go down – YAY! Good news! Also managed to get another look at our little bean – check it out! Heartbeat and everything was measuring fine.

Baby M

However, I don’t feel pregnant – at all. My boobs have even eased off hurting. It’s weird, I think you have some preconception about how you will feel. Being plus-size means I can’t even really see a bump developing. I considered getting a doppler, but I think my weight would be an issue there too.

I guess I need to put my faith in mother nature to keep everything ticking over until my next scan appointment! The next one will be at the hospital, so I am hoping we’ll have a better picture then as their scan equipment is much better than the portable one the doctors have!

The baby waved!

So I had my scan yesterday to check on my cyst and my doctor was showing me the baby – which, actually looks more like a baby than the blob I first saw – and its little arm waved! I couldn’t believe it! The doctor was like, ‘quick, look,  it’s waving!’ It was pretty incredible and makes it feel much more real. D wasn’t able to come to the scan as he was on a course and I am sad he missed it, it’s amazing to think it’s only the size of an olive but can still throw a wave out there!

My cyst has grown by 1/2 cm, so it’s coming up to 5cm now, which the doctors said I need to keep an eye on, the first sign of any pain on my left side and to go straight to A&E, as when they get to this size there is a possibility they can twist and if it cuts of the blood supply to my ovary, I might lose it. EEEK! She also came in to speak to the midwife and told them to get the consultant to check when I have my next scan.

The midwives were absolutely lovely! My surgery is part of the University I used to go to, so it often has student nurses and doctors. I had a student midwife and a regular midwife assisting her and they were both so lovely, especially the student.  They both made me feel so much better about my weight, she said it was clear I’d been doing lots of research and to stay away from the negative stuff, as they see women with high BMI’s have perfectly normal and stress-free births, which made me feel loads better. They did say I would be shared care though and I would be told I have to give birth on the delivery suite as apposed to the home from home type places they have, but that’s fine. I just want what is best for me and my baby.

PLUS!!! Incredible news!

Remember I mentioned that my friend was told she had a missed miscarriage? Well, she went to the hospital to have a D&C and they discovered that she was actually pregnant, they found a heartbeat, all is as it should and she is actually 14 weeks gone! Mental, what an emotional ride for her! I so happy for her and her husband, plus it’s really nice she is only about 5 weeks in front of me so we will be pregnant at the same time and can share our woes and squees with each other.

The Midwives and my next scan……

So there is a program on BBC 2 called The Midwives – which follows women giving birth in UK hospitals. Did anyone catch last nights episode? It was basically following women who were having unassisted vaginal births without epidural, strictly gas and air!

It was nice to see a plus-size mum on there who was classed as ‘high-risk’ giving birth naturally. She seemed quite upset as last time she had a birthing pool but when your BMI is over a certain amount (something ridiculous like 30 in some places!) you can’t have one, as you need to be ‘monitored’ more but in the end she was fine and although she was quite vocal her baby made an appearance with no issues at all.

D watched the program with me and I have told him no matter how much I whine and cry I don’t want an epidural, my sister has had two births and she said having the epidural makes it so much harder to push and she tore pretty badly as a result. Also, I want to be as active as possible – so unless I am told I need to have an epidural as I need an emergency c-section, no epidural for me! (Let’s all wait 7 months and see how that pans out for me, hahaha!)

In other news, my next scan is tomorrow. I am excited and terrified. An old friend of mine found out she has had a missed miscarriage and my heart breaks for her. My lack of symptoms has made the possibility of this happening to me play a lot on my mind in the last few days. I am trying to remain positive, this time tomorrow I will know how things are progressing and I will have had my booking in appointment to.

7 weeks, 5 days

So I have calmed down a hell of a lot since my last post!

I went for my first scan at 6w4d. I was so nervous! But I got to see a little heartbeat flickering away. My GP said my calculations seem about right and everything was where it should be and the right size, but she did mention I have a cyst on my ovary (which is what was causing the cramps!), but she said it was quite common and actually helps the pregnancy develop and they usually go down on their own when the placenta takes over, but I have another scan before my booking in appointment next week, just to monitor it. If it gets too big then they may need to operate. Eeek! Fingers crossed they don’t.

I think seeing the heartbeat definitely helped. I feel…calmer. But, at the same time, my lack of morning sickness is making me think something is wrong! I have my sister and my best friend as my main benchmark for pregnancy and they both suffered REALLY badly with morning sickness, to the point my sister was hospitalised and put on a drip as she was so dehydrated. I joined the April birth club on http://www.thebabycentre.co.uk and it’s fantastic, but obviously it’s before the 12 week mark and sadly so many of the women on there have suffered miscarriages and some of them missed miscarriages and I worry my lack of symptoms might mean this. Although, my boobs are still mega sore and I have had chronic headaches. Naturally I am too paranoid to take any form of medication for them (even though I am allowed to take paracetamol!) so 4head has been my saviour!

D and I have agreed that if we see another good heartbeat at next week’s scan, we will tell the rest of the family, but I don’t want to announce to everrry one via FB etc until after the 12 week. I’ve told the odd person, people close to me who I know I could lean on for support should the worst happen and also my closest work friends and my boss, HR department, as I need extra scans due to the cyst.

The binge eating has settled a little now as well, after that first week of crazy emotions. I’ve been sticking to keep my diary and eating six times a day. I have been working through some modules with my therapist on managing distress intolerance and it’s pretty eye-opening. I only have 8 sessions left; however, my therapist did say as I am now pregnant, that might be cause for them to offer me some additional should I need them.

Dreading my booking-in appointment next week as I am worried incase they are insensitive about my weight, but I guess they will read my notes first and see I suffer from B.E.D. and not want to trigger me? Here is hoping!

I am six weeks pregnant today

I found out I was pregnant last weekend and went to the doctors to discuss it on Tuesday, which was my 34th birthday. What a birthday present! After speaking to the doctor I have come over the citalopram I was taking (I was on a really low-dose anyway) and she said they can monitor my mood along with my Binge Eating Disorder therapist.

When we first found out, D and I were absolutely running riot and ecstatically happy. D still is. So am I, really. But I made the age old error of googling. The internet, both the most powerful and destructive resource in the modern world. My joy has since turned to hysterical tears.

I feel like it’s too easy, after all, we weren’t even properly trying. I only had my IUD out at the end of June.

I am constantly ‘knicker checking’ – I am convinced I am going to miscarry, because I read it’s statistically more likely in obese women. Then I read your baby can die and you not find out at your 12 week scan. I know deep down this is fairly irrational, I’ve found loads of positive blogs with plus-size women talking about their normal, healthy pregnancies, but it seems too easy. I cannot mentally torture myself for the next six weeks either, I will end up going insane (more insane than usual). I know my hormones kicking in aren’t helping, but I am constantly looking for danger signs. Should my boobs hurt more? (they did, now they are calming down a bit, apparently my friend who is 19wks pregnant assures me she was the same). I am suffering from some cramping. (I googled this and apparently this is also normal, as my cervix is stretching to accommodate a baby).

The only people who know are four of my closest friends, a couple of my good friends at work and parents and siblings. I want to shout it from the rooftops, but I am also trying to protect myself in case anything does go wrong. It will be hard enough as it is, without everyone asking me about it.