So today I am 12 weeks! Hurrah!
I still don’t feel pregnant, apart from the aches and pain of my hips and sore nipples! The boob tenderness has gone completely. I have finally had my official hospital scan date, 23rd October. I am excited, but also my anxiety and irrational side of me keeps freaking out, as I am worried that I might have had a missed miscarriage. I have absolutely no reason to think this, other than my lack of symptoms. Beginning to wonder if I am ever going to give myself a break? Probably not!
I went to my weekly therapy session at the Eating Disorder Clinic on Tuesday and I literally cried for the whole session. Since starting the therapy, I’ve actually put on weight – even though my binge eating has probably slowed a little, my brain is making me overeat to compensate. With being pregnant as well, it is really, really hard. I am so conscious that I don’t want my BMI to increase in pregnancy. But the stress of worrying about it, is making me eat more. I feel like it’s been one step forward, two steps back the whole way. I know it will be hard – I’ve had this eating disorder for over 15 years – but with my pregnancy hormones and with winter approaching and my Seasonal Affective Disorder about to kick in, I just worry it is too much. What upsets me I want to be in control of my eating more than anything – I worry about my health, my self-esteem is at an all time low and I don’t want to hate what I see in the mirror anymore. But I continue to sabotage myself. I won’t keep my food diary, but mainly that is because I don’t want want to admit to myself I have failed. It is making me completely miserable.
I spoke to my therapist, T, and she was so lovely. She said I have two choices – I can either go for a no-nonsense, take-the-bull-by-the-horns approach and try and tackle it now, or I can put the therapy on hold until after the baby is born and start then. I am leaning towards the later – at the minute, I also have to concentrate on work, I am out constantly and surrounded by food temptation. My therapist actually suggested I get signed off work so I can focus on nothing but my treatment, but it isn’t really an option right now.
If I postpone it though, I will feel like a failure, even though T says I wouldn’t be. But I think for my own sanity I might have too. I have another appointment with her on the Tuesday and I will let her know then.
I had an appointment with my midwife on Tuesday as they messed up on of my blood samples the first time round. I found out I am blood group AB negative – apparently it’s really rare and gives me a bigger incentive to get over my fear of needles and give blood once I’ve given birth! I also explained my stuff with the therapist as well – she is going to make sure I get a referral to the pregnancy psych team so I they can monitor me as well, which I think is a good thing.